Newb Views the 80s #3: Friday the 13th 3 (1982)

a.k.a. "Saturday the 14th"

Directed by Steve Miner

*Full disclosure: I'm not sure what I did with my glasses, so I watched the 2D version.*

Even though Part 2 did well, the massive influx of Friday clones meant that if the series were to have any kind of life moving forward, it would have to find a way to stand out. Enter the big idea: the return of 3D. Paramount would take another gamble with the Friday franchise, this time by bringing back the 3D gimmick, and actually paying money to utilize a never-before-used method of creating the 3D illusion, which also meant spending the money to install projectors in every theatre the film played in to make them capable of playing the movie. Paramount truly believed that this movie would bring about a new 3D revolution with their studio at the forefront. It...did not work out that way. Not because of anything involving the movie itself, since the Friday name and the 3D gimmick were enough to ensure profitability despite the increased cost, but because several lawsuits which were filed in the wake of Paramount attempting to force everyone to use their process and projectors if they wanted some of that sweet three-dimensional cash.

As for the movie itself, it's mostly a bunch of stuff that happens with little connection, rhyme, reason, and of course no continuity with the previous movies, as the geography of Crystal Lake and the surrounding area changes again, this time to accommodate Higgins' Haven, a retreat that is who knows how far from the scenes from the first two movies, and sans any kind of police presence, given that Jason is still on the loose after his rampage in part 2 and the killing of the couple in the opening of this one. There's even a replacement for Crazy Ralph the prophet of doom, clutching an eyeball he apparently lifted off one of Jason's victims. 

Example of the lack of continuity: Chris finds Shelley (who somehow has a ton of stuff packed into a tiny little box) hiding in the back of the van. She asks him why he's not swimming with everyone else. The very next scene she is showing the decidedly not-swimming Debbie & Andy their room. A couple scenes later, Shelley fakes his death and everyone there crowds around, with no one showing signs of having been anywhere near water. 

Speaking of Shelley, I fucking hate that guy. He's an annoying little asshole and his constant moping and general personality ruin any scene that he's in. Fuck him.

The bulk of the movie is pure Friday formula, with a group of people I don't think would ever really hang out with each other, the world's least intimidating motorcycle gang, and objects being unnaturally pointed at the camera to show off the 3D. It's easily the worst of the lot so far, with the only positives being very basic "set something up and pay it off later" moments, namely the gang siphoning the gas from the group's van, which keeps Chris from escaping later. I did also like Ali's brave fight against Jason in the final stretch, even if by all rights he should be dead, and excited, mask-less Jason is easily one of the scariest moments in the entire series.

Jason Voorhees, or Kurt Angle after a cage match?

On the flip side, the idea, and execution of Chris' past history with Jason is terrible on all levels. What we know about Jason doesn't jive with this piece of exposition, them having no idea how to logically end the story other than "I passed out and woke up later in my own bed" is equal to "they never found the body" as weakest horror plot cliches, and to top it all of, Dana Kimmel's telling of (and Paul Kratka's reactions to) the story are so stilted and awkward, it makes sure the only thing the scenes are good for is great MST3K-style riff material. If the movie had any kind of momentum, this whole deal would have killed it dead. Since it  doesn't, those scenes just make it worse.

There is really only one creative kill in the whole movie, that being the eyeball pop. The false scares are of the laziest variety as well. In one scene Chuck & Chili try to scare what they think is Shelley, but he's not there, and we see Jason watching them as they leave. The very next scene is a false scare with Shelley messing with Vera as she sits on a dock. Harry Manfredini even pulls out the OH SHIT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING DOWN strings, which makes the scene much worse considering we know from the very beginning that it can't be Jason. Watching this movie closely is really opening my eyes to just how terrible it is, and I'm not even getting into the racism in the scene in the store where the bitchy clerk assumes Vera only has food stamps, which the store does not accept...and she turns out to be right, as Vera has to turn and ask Shelley for money. *sigh*

This movie also has moments where it gets ridiculously lazy, relying on self-reference rather than adding anything new, namely Deb's death being a carbon copy of Kevin Bacon's, and the ending, which is a dream sequence featuring a Voorhees family member popping out of the water.

I don't know if it's me getting older and my tastes/expectations changing, me paying more attention, or both, but I used to like this movie, but watching it for this project and now I see for the first time that it blows. HARD.

3/4* For years I used to hand waive people bad mouthing these movies as people either not liking the genre or simply repeating what they had heard or read from others, but now I'm starting to believe that I was wrong the whole time. So very wrong.

Newb Views the 80s #2: Friday the 13th Part II (1981)

Well, it delivers what it promises.

Directed By: Steve Miner

After the surprise success of Friday the 13th, a sequel was fast-tracked into production to be released the following year. The question was, since Jason Voorhees was only meant to be a "chair jumper" gag at the end of the first movie, what would a Part II be about? The first thought was to keep the Friday the 13th name, but have each sequel be a separate story with only a loose connection to the others, if any. Enter Georgetown Productions President and holder of the money Phil Scuderi who insisted that, despite it making zero logical sense, Jason Voorhees himself become the focus of the next film. Sean Cunningham had no interest in returning to Crystal Lake behind the director's chair, opting to produce instead, so the duties were handed off to Miner, who had acted as Associate Producer & Unit Production Manager on the original, and who was so desperate to direct a film he thought to himself "Yeah, I'll do Friday the 13th Part II!".

In the hands of anyone who actually gave a shit about continuity, there would be some thought put into how to logically make Jason, who had supposedly drowned as a boy, the killer. These guys simply threw their hands in the air and said "fuck it", starting with a prologue that perfectly encapsulates just how ridiculous the premise is. Alice Hardy, the lone survivor of the massacre at Camp Crystal Lake, is tracked all the way to California (where she mentioned being from early in the original), and murdered by Jason. How he figured out where she lived and made it all the way across the country, while toting his mother's severed head is not explored, That could have made a much more interesting movie in of itself. What makes the prologue worse is that it's not needed in the slightest. It has no connection with the rest of the movie, and since they made a slight effort even after saying with that opening that *SPOILER ALERT* Jason is the killer, to make this a suspense thriller in the vein of the original (Miner and others have gone on record stating that this was made as a carbon copy of the original on purpose, a la The Hangover Part II), the movie could have been more effective, even with them being married to the Jason idea, of having him be revealed at the end, or they could have had time for common sense to set in, and change the identity of the killer. But hey, making Jason the killer spawned, to date, ten more movies and a healthy profit for the producers, so who am I to argue?

On the plus side, he did take the teapot off the burner.

What follows is a glossier version of the original, only this time the main action takes place with a group of camp counselors at a training center, at a site adjacent to the off-limits Camp Crystal Lake. There are some things I like here, namely Paul's campfire story about the legend of Jason and Scott's increasingly desperate attempts to hook up with Terry. There's also decent chemistry between Amy Steele's Ginny and Richard Feury's Paul, and the jump cut from the dog Muffin running into Jason, to a shot of hot dogs cooking on a grill. 

Aside from those positives, there's not much to sink my teeth into. There are a couple decent kills, including the fan-favorite "shish kabob", and the poor paralyzed guy getting a machete to the face and falling backward down some steps, before the screen freezes and goes white for no particular reason. Jason's movements make no sense, and he is simply placed wherever he needs to be for that particular scene with no rhyme or reason to his actions. A few cast members are only in one scene, that being Paul asking who wants to go out for a night on the town. These people do not appear to be in any of the scenes taking place the first day, and are not seen again later, having not stayed out all night, but apparently not gone back to the camp either. The only one who is shown to have stayed out is Ted, the resident jokester, who defies genre convention by surviving the movie. That he had to vanish for the last act is immaterial. He made it!

Pictured: The luckiest bastard in "Friday the 13th" series history.

Oh! Another scene I do like in this movie: Ginny giving exposition and trying to bring some logic to the idea of Jason being the killer, and Paul's immediate reaction is to literally call "bullshit". I don't like her getting mad when Paul (and Ted) react like normal people, especially since she herself at this point in the movie has no real reason to think Jason is actually alive.

Watching this again, I'm more than a bit surprised that this movie led to anything after it. It's very paint-by-numbers with nothing particularly notable about it, since the gory, SFX-laden slasher movie had already started taking over the landscape, so gore hounds weren't nearly as limited in options as they were the previous year, and while there were a couple decent ideas, I can't imagine that there's anything here that made it stand above it's contemporaries, aside from the Friday the 13th title. On the other hand, people can get attached to brand names, and this did open at #1, making another nice return on investment for Paramount. The producers would be smart enough to realize that a Part III would need something to set it apart, but that's for the next review.

There has been some speculation that Paul disappears for the final stretch because John Feury had a dispute with Steve Miner. This is NOT the case, as the original ending had Ginny asking for Paul like she does in the final ending, but then the scene cuts to a shot of Mrs. Voorhees' head, and she smiles, supposedly indicating that Jason has killed Paul. This was deemed too fucking stupid even for a Friday the 13th and jettisoned, so we were left with no resolution for the Paul character.

Rating: *3/4 Some ok ideas keep the movie afloat, but the general goofiness of the premise along with the movie itself not really bringing anything to the table weigh it down considerably. Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but you could skip over this one and not miss much.

Newb Views the 80s #1: Friday the 13th

Instead of waiting for the DVDVR "Best of the 80s" re-visit tio officially begin, I've decided to start my viewing on my own and turn it into it'as own little project. Since I'm a total whore for slasher franchises, I figured that would be a good place to start...

Directed By: Sean S. Cunningham

"Halloween is making a ton of money. Let's rip it off."

Those words from Cunningham to screenwriter Victor Miller was the less-than-stellar beginning to the film that would kick off the 1980's slasher explosion in earnest, and begin a journey for a franchise that is set to have yet another installment an astonishing 35 years after it's first. Meant only to make a small amount of money for it's creators while they figured out what to do next, it ended up being the only notable thing most of the people involved ever did, with the glaring exception of one Kevin Bacon.

As I'm sure you know, this one attempts to be a suspense-thriller instead of a straight-ahead slasher movie like the sequels ended up being. While it has its moments, there's not enough attention to detail to keep everything logical. Example: in an early scene Alice asks Bill whether he needs more paint. The camera movement and the presence of music (which was supposed to only be used when the killer is present) suggests that *OMG SPOILER ALERT* Mrs. Voorhees is there, hiding behind a tree. Only there are two big problems with that: 1.) Alice walks right past where she would have been standing, and could not have missed her location and 2.) moments later Mrs. Voorhees is on the road in her van so she can kill Annie. Logical errors like this plague the movie, and would sadly be commonplace throughout the series. The movie also makes no attempt to play fair with it's mystery, after throwing a few red herrings (namely "Crazy Ralph"), Mrs. Voorhees simply pops up at the end, with all but a "KILLER" sign hanging around her neck.

Who would EVER suspect this sweet old lady?

Speaking of the Annie kill, that and the ending perfectly illustrate that, despite Halloween being the impetus behind the movie being made, then bigger influence on Miller as he wrote the screenplay was clearly Psycho, with the "potential heroine die early" kill and the Mrs. Voorhees/Jason relationship being the direct inverse of the Norman/Norma relationship in Psycho. 

This movie was made with almost no money, so the cast is the usual kind you get in that situation: inexperienced and largely untalented, chosen mostly for their looks and real personalities that can be translated onto the screen the easiest. The direction is flat with zero sense of style, which is no surprise at all given Cunningham's lack of both artistic ambition (he has been open with his feelings of movies being simply a business proposition and having no artistic sensibilities) and talent. It's no coincidence that despite the success of this movie, he never had any other successes as a director, and this movie aside, the only success he ever had as a producer was working with better directors, whether it be Wes Craven or the much-less-heralded Steve Miner.

The only person besides Bacon that had much of a career either before or after this is Vietnam War photographer turned special effects wizard Tom Savini, whose creations more-than-likely saved this from being stuck in a film canister in Sean Cunningham's basement.

What I personally find more interesting than anything involving the movie, is how it made an impact on the cultural landscape, and what impact it made. Really, the biggest innovation that came from Friday the 13th was not the movie itself, but Paramount's marketing of it. This was the first time a low-budget, no stars movie of its type was treated as a huge studio release, a gamble that paid off when the movie opened and removed The Empire Strikes Back from the #1 spot. This move by the studio, independent of anything involving the movie itself, is what I would argue to be the biggest cultural impact from it. Paramount striking it big with the blitz they gave this movie convinced filmmakers and the people that gave them money that all you needed to make a profitable hit were young, attractive actors, a spooky setting, and good special effects. There were an assload of movies made immediately following the release of Friday the 13th that aimed to copy it's formula, but from what I can tell, most of those movies misread what little Friday was actually trying to say.

Somehow, despite Michael Myers & Pamela Voorhees quite obviously representing sexual repression, the formula became "sex equals death", without any thought as to why that was. Future slasher movies, and they still do this, give audiences supposed "reasons" that characters "have" to die because of the conventions of the genre, and discussion about victims in these kinds  of movies almost always includes the macabre idea that actions taken by characters in movies that would result in minor or no consequences in real life are somehow enough to make their gruesome deaths somewhat justified. If you think about it, did Kevin Bacon REALLY deserve to get an arrow through his neck, simply because he smoked a joint and banged his girlfriend?

By slasher movie "rules", this is a justifiable homicide.

Slasher movies almost always include characters that are obnoxious, dumb, or straight-up assholes in an attempt to get the audience to root for the killer. Why? Probably because it's a lot easier to follow the Sean Cunningham "roller coaster ride" theory of horror, than make a movie that is actually scary and stays with you longer than two minutes after you leave the theatre. Much like wrestling promotions will debut more characters as heels than babyfaces, because it is much more difficult to make audiences react positively to a character than negatively. A "good guy" has to strike a very precarious balance to keep the audience with them, as one fatal flaw, intentional or not, can cause the audience to turn against them. This is probably way most slasher movies are stocked with milquetoast, throwaway victims that are only introduced to be dispatched later and up the body count, rather than fleshed-out characters.Also, hack filmmakers in any genre will unthinkingly stick to the established formula, rather than try to do anything new.

As for the oft-heralded gore, I'm sure this movie's reputation amongst the generations that came after it's release (basically anyone born in the 90s or later) has suffered because of the graphic nature of what came after Friday opened the floodgates, or if you showed someone my age (30) who has heard about, but has never seen this movie before, but has seen episodes of CSI, The Walking Dead, or Hannibal, they would probably turn to you and ask "that's it?".  *Insert Bart Simpson quote here.* What this movie offered during its time does not hold up at all, while it's betters, which offered much more in terms of story, character, style, and atmosphere, still do (I'm thinking of Psycho, Halloween, & A Nightmare on Elm Street here). That, sadly, is the one lesson that horror filmmakers should have learned, but in most cases did not.

Friday the 13th, much like the first WrestleMania, is memorable not for anything it offers on its own, but for setting the table for what came after. That's something, at least.

RATING: **1/2 out of 5.

NXT Takeover 5/29/14

-Adam Rose and the Rosebuds dance their way into the arena to kick of the show. It's amazing how he looks like a star on NXT, but it hasn't really translated to the big stage.

-Match 1: Adam Rose VS Comacho

-Rose escapes a full nelson...by rubbing his ass into Comacho's groin. He then jumps into Comacho's arms. Who decided to make him Rico? Comacho uses a couple straighjacket chokes as the crowd first sing-songs Rose's theme, then chants "PARTY TIME!" on the second attempt. Comacho drops a leg for two, but Rose fires back with punches, then catches Comacho with a spinebuster. Rose hits the SLIDING DICK TO THE FACE before giving the crowd THE CLAP and finishing with the Party Foul.

**1/2, pretty fun opener and a good showcase for Rose.

-William Regal & Byron Saxton dance to Rose's theme as the ultra-white Tom Phillips refuses to join in.

-Sami Zayn isn't happy about not being the #1 contender tonight and ready to take it out on Tyler Breeze.

-Match 2 for the NXT Tag Team Championship: The Ascension [c] VS Kalisto & El Local

-The champs go for the early jump, but promptly get caught with stereo ranas to send them both outside. The luchadores attempt dives, but get cut off with uppercuts as they stick their heads through the ropes. Kalisto plays FIP as Regal & Phillips argue over the whether the lack of competition for The Ascension reflects badly on them. Kalisto finally makes the hot tag, and Local cleans house, with Ricardo moving a lot faster than I've ever seen him. Just when it looks bad for the champs, Local gets caught with a big STO, and they finish with the Fall of Man. Best title defense I've seen for The Ascension so far. Of course, it's the first non two minute squash I've seen from them.

*** Fun show so far.

-A pretty great video profiles Tyler Breeze. Again, why don't they do this stuff more on the main shows?

-Match 3: Sami Zayn VS Tyler Breeze (#1 Contender's Match)

-New music for both guys. Breeze's is much, much better. They fight over arm locks to start, and Sami wins that. They then take turns pulling each other's hair, and Sami has the obvious advantage there too. Breeze  manages to send Zayn from the second turnbuckle to the floor, and that allows him to take control for a bit. Breeze works a front facelock, but gets thrown off by Zayn. Zayn sends Breeze outside, and follows up with an Arabian Press, drawing a big "NXT" chant. Back in, Zayn gets a big cross-body for two. It takes a couple tries, but Zayn manages to hit Blue Thunder for two.

Breeze fires back with a mule kick and a spinning Impaler DDT for two, then pulls Zayn out of the corner into a sit-out powerbomb for two. Nice spot there. Breeze pounds away as Zayn looks out of it, but Zayn then catches Breeze with an exploder into the corner, drawing a "this is awesome" chant. They do a boo-yay punch exchange, then Zayn almost runs into the ref before getting schoolboyed for two. I totally bought that as a finish. Zayn runs into a NASTY superkick for another close two count.

Breeze pounds away as Zayn fires up, then they go through a convoluted series of counters, leading to a fucked up suplex bomb from Zayn for two. Breeze slides outside to avoid the Heluva Kick, but Zayn hits him with a flip dive instead. Back in, Zayn goes for the Heluva Kick, but Breeze catches him with an accidental low blow, then finishes with the Beauty Shot.

****1/2 This was fucking great, and a legit WWE match of the year contender. Zayn was awesome as alway, but this was big break out match for Breeze, in a spot where he needed one. The finish also adds to the build to the inevitable turn for Zayn, which should be interesting.

-Bret talks to Natalya, ostensibly about her match tonight.

-Lana comes out to introduce Rusev, who angrily waves the Russian flag. Mojo Rawley interrupts to stick up for the good old US of A and "shove that flag right up [Rusev's] Putin". That...does not go well for Mojo, and the massive shit kicking he takes immediately turns Rusev babyface on DVDVR.

-A video previews the women's title match.

-KRIS KRISTOFFERSON IS HERE!

-So is Paige! She sucks up to the crowd, and puts over the NXT Women's title as the key to the future.

-Match 4 for the NXT Women's Championship: Charlotte (w/Ric Flair) VS Natalya (w/Bret Hart)

-Charlotte has new Flair-themed music. They open up with some pretty smoove chain wrestling, and nice little touches like constantly shoving and sneering at each other. Nattie gets a nice rollup and a bodyscissors, then they exchange slaps before Charlotte lands a big chop to take control. Naitch struts in celebration. Nattie goes for a sleeper, but Charlotte counters into a backpack stunner for two. Charlotte controls for a bit, then escapes an abdominal stretch before hitting a low dropkick. Nattie comes back with a dropkick of her own for two, then knocks Charlotte off the apron after a trademark Flair Flip.

Charlotte wrenches Nattie off the apron to the floor by her leg, and gets two off that. Charlotte tries a moonsault, but takes forever setting it up, so it misses. That draws a "This is Awesome" chant as Bret tries to get Nattie back in the match. Nattie gets the Sharpshooter, but Charlotte manages to hang on, and roll through before countering into a figure 4. That was pretty damned slick, actually. Tom Phillips somehow gets confused as to who is applying the hold, as they exchange slaps then roll across th ring, leading to  Charlotte hanging onto the hold as she rolls off the apron, but Nattie stays on.

Charlotte breaks the hold at four, then shoves Nattie into the steps. Charlotte goes to re-apply the figure 4, but thinks better of it, and gets a Sharpshooter. Nattie hangs on and tries to counter, but Charlotte kicks her away, and finishes with Bow Down to the Queen to win the title.

**** This was pretty damned great, actually. They did a good job of making it look like an actual struggle as opposed to two people running through (and trying to remember) their spots, which is always greatly appreciated by yours truly.

-They do the RoH handshake of respect that almost always makes no sense, with this being no exception. Charlotte has a total babyface celebration, which means they better be turning her soon.

-A video previews the main event.

-Nattie wishes Tyson good luck.

-Match 5 for the NXT Championship: Adrian Neville [c] VS Tyson Kidd

-This is probably the only show Tyson Kidd has and will ever headline that will be seen by more than 100 people. They have a feeling out process that lasts a couple minutes before Tyson takes complete control, hitting a suicide dive for two. Neville fights back, and they collide in mid air for a double KO. Neville lands a series of kicks, then fights off a bulldog attempt before hanging Kidd in the Tree of Woe and hitting a hesitation dropkick. Neville follows up with a springboard forearm for two, but Kidd fires back, and counters a suicide dive attempt with a kick to the head for two.

Kidd goes up top, but Neville cuts him off. Kidd blocks a superplex and goes for a sunset bomb, but Neville flips out of that, then catches Kidd with a pop-up sit-out powerbomb for two. Neville hits a stiff kick to the chest, but Kidd counters a springboard into a Russian leg sweep off the second rope  for two in a nice spot. Neville gets his knees up to counter a splash. Kidd stops short, but gets rolled up for two. Kidd fires back with a kick, then they fight over a suplex, spilling out over the top in the process. They both barely make it back in at nine, then get caught calling spots on camera.

Kidd almost gets a Sharpshooter, then transitions into a Dungeon Lock (triangle choke with the legs locked as well), and adds some short kicks to the head while he has the hold on, but Neville hangs on and grabs the ropes to force a break. Neville gets caught up in the ropes, and Kidd hits a somersault leg drop for two. Kidd shows some frustration then goes up top. Kidd fights Neville off twice, but Neville runs the ropes a third time and hits a super rana, followed by the Red Arrow to retain.

***1/2 Pretty strong main event with both guys giving it everything they had, and fighting with desparation. Can't ask for much more than that.

-Kidd refuses a handshake after the match, and sulks his way to the back.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This was an awesome show after some pretty lackluster TVs. The main roster guys are really going to have to step it up Sunday if they don't want to be outclassed by their supposed lessers in NXT.

NXT 5/15/14

-Match 1: NXT Tag Team Champions The Ascension VS Buddy Murphy & Elias Sampson

-Another quick squash for the champs. Sampson doesn't even tag in before they finish Murphy with the Fall of Man. Odd bit on commentary as William Regal questions why they keep facing jobbers. Good point. SQUASH

-The Ascension want someone new to destroy. They are answered by El Local & Kalisto. I really hope Local gets officially revealed as Ricardo at some point.

-Sami Zayn tends to obsess about things...and not get them. This time will be different, though.

-TYLER BREEZE HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING. That's a great shtick to bring back. It's been over 20 years since HBK had it, so it's fair game.

-Match 2-NXT Women's Championship Tournament Semi-Final: Alexa Bliss VS Charlotte (w/Sasha Bank)

-Pretty nice match with the veteran Charlotte controlling the whole way, focusing on the back and midsection. Charlotte actually WORKS holds when she has one on, something a lot of the main roster men don't actually do. Charlotte hits a back breaker to put Alexa in position to her flippy face plant, now called Bow Down to the Queen. **1/2

-Match 3: Mojo Rawley VS Aiden English

-Cute bit as Mojo gets in a three-point-stance, and English has to go outside to avoid him. This isn't the disaster a longer (read: past two minutes) match from Rawley would have seemed like a couple weeks ago. Mojo starts fast, English gets a heat segment, then Mojo makes his comeback and finishes with the Hyper Drive. Basic, but watchable. ** Mojo desperately needs a new finish still.

-Tyson Kidd notes that all the people making noise in WWE today came from NXT.

-Match 4: Angelo Dawkins VS Colin Cassidy

-An extended squash for Cassidy, and the most interesting part is CJ Parker walking through the crowd with a recyclable sign and the commentators' reaction to it. Cassidy finishes with the East River Crossing (spinning Rock Bottom). 1/2*

-Bo Dallas tries to talk JBL into letting him into the NXT title scene. JBL books Bo in a match for next week against Big E. If Bo wins, he gets a title shot. If he loses, he leaves NXT. Bo trying to remain positive throughout the segment is tremendous.

-Match 5 for the NXT #1 Contendership: Tyson Kidd VS Tyler Breeze VS Sami Zayn

-It's pretty briskly-paced, if not particularly memorable. The usual triple threat tropes are in full display here. Zayn hits the Heluva Kick on Breeze, but Kidd knocks Zayn to the floor, and finishes Breeze with a big elbow, as Zayn is a second too late to break up the pin. **1/2

-The most interesting part of this match (at least to me) is Zayn's heart broken reaction to not winning. The way the camera lingers on his face definitely seems to be foreshadowing a heel turn, which could be interesting.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This show was all about setting up NXT Takeover in two weeks, and it did a good job at making me want to see it. I'll have the week off, so I'll actually be able to check it out live.

Main Event 5/13/14

-Rene Young ties to open the show by interviewing Paul Heyman about Cesaro's match against Sheamus. Paul is AGHAST that Rene would mention Sheamus in the same breath as a "Paul Heyman Guy". Just in case you forgot BAROCK LESNAR CONQUERED THE STREAK. Sheamus interrupts to let Heyman know who he is, and gives Heyman five seconds to get out of the ring before kicking his face in. Heyman acts all tough before bailing at four, but that's the moment where Cesaro jumps Sheamus from behind, and lays him out with the Neutralizer. Cesaro goes for the swing, but Heyman calls him off, wanting to leave something for later.

-Sandow tries to do a promo again, but gets cut off by Dolph Ziggler.

-Match 1: Damien Sandow VS Dolph Ziggler

-I'm intrigues by Sandow's new "loose cannon" gimmick. Remember when a guy getting repackaged and being more aggressive in the ring would result in a push? With wins and everything? Short match, which is all about Sandow. He busts out the Edge-u-cater, a great move for him. Ziggler escapes and wins with the Zig Zag anyway. Whatever. **

-Shield VS Evolution is officially announced for Payback. Not announced: what day the show is.

-Match 2: Emma VS Alicia Fox

-Fox jump-starts the match and just beats the shit out of Emma, drawing some heat in the process. She talks some trash, but doesn't seem to understand what "underrated" means. As with the first match, the more interesting participant dominates, but gets caught for a quick pin. *1/2

-Alicia loses her shit again, drawing a legit LOL from me by demanding the announce team's money. She follows up by tearing up their notes and stuffing them in their mouths. Tremendous.

-Sheamus is still ready for a fight.

-TALE OF THE TAPE. They need to do that more often.

-Match 3: United States Champion Sheamus VS Cesaro (w/Paul Heyman)

-They have a pretty damned fun all-out brawl, full of intensity, going about ten minutes before fighting into the crowd for a double count-out. Heyman's front-running is glorious as always. Give these guys 20 minutes at Payback and I'll be a happy man. ***1/2

-The fight continues, and Heyman hands Cesaro a chair, which he jams into Sheamus' ribs. Before he can use it again, Sheamus surprises him with a Brogue Kick, then celebrates to close the show.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This was actually pretty worthwhile for a "C" show. I question the booking in the first two matches, but the entertainment value was there. Probably the best Main Event since WrestleMania.

Raw 5/12/14

-LAST WEEK: HHH uses his special COO powers to screw with the Shield.

-The Shield start the show. I am so glad Rollins isn't the terrible promo he used to be. Reigns is going to be money when he learns how to work a main event singles match. They challenge Evolution to a rematch at Payback. Evolution do the "show up in a limo after the show has already started" gimmick (at least it's not at the start of hour three). HHH signs in with security (he really should have pulled the "don't you know who we are?" card there), then The Shield fly in off-camera to get some licks in before being pulled away by security.

-Match 1: RVD (*sigh*) VS Jack Swagger

-Zeb bitches about Adam Rose. Rose shows up and distracts Swagger. The "match" lasts two moves. At least it was short. NO RATING

-Paige has a target on her back. With the way she's going through the division, they're going to have to call up some from NXT soon.

-Damn these BOLIEVE vignettes are awesome. I just hope he can live up to them.

-Match 2: Alicia Fox VS Divas Champion Paige

-Alicia tells Paige no one likes her and she should get out. Well that's just not nice. It takes JBL to point out that it's jealousy from the other Divas that they all failed to beat AJ, and she did it her first night in. That should definitely have been one of the babyface commentators' jobs. Fox beats the shit out of Paige, who hits one move, the Paige Turner, for the win. Pretty much what happened when she won the title. **

-Alicia loses her shit, pounding on the announce table, spilling JBL's beer before strutting away in his hat, while whining that she should be the champion. Well that was...something.

-A video recaps last week's Bryan/Kane angle. It's still goofy shit.

-Daniel Bryan comes out to announce that he's going to have neck surgery. He's not sure when he'll be back, but he will be back. Hopefully the "6-8 weeks" prognosis kicking around online is accurate.

-Match 3: John Cena & WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos VS The Wyatt Family

-The Wyatts open with a heat segment on Jey. Jimmy gets the hot tag, and Cole actually says "The Wyatts haven't been able to get out of the blocks here guys". Harper may have the best big boot in the business today. That thing is awesome. Rowan is so screwed when the Family breaks up eventually. He's far behind the other two in terms of ring work and charisma. Cena gets in, cleans house, and applies the WORST STF EVER on Rowan. I'm not a Cena hater (well, not anymore) but that was just terrible. The Usos save Cena from Sister Abigal, and he finishes Rowan with the AA. **1/2 Nothing special, but the crowd was hot for it.

-Evoution comes to the ring. They're going to do horrible things to The Shield, leaving Reigns for last. The Shield attack again and send Evolution running. Batista has has ENOUGH of this shit and challenges Reigns for tonight. It's Batista VS Batista 2.0!

-Match 4: Nikki Bella VS Natalya

-This is based off something that happened on Total Divas that actually happened months ago and is TOTALLY NOT WORKED AT ALL. IT'S ALL 100% REAL AND SHAME ON YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE! The other TD cast members are outside the ring, holding score cards to judge their moves. I couldn't give a fuck less. Nikki wins with a roll-up. Whatever. NO RATING, 'cause fuck this match that's why.

-Match 5: Curtis Axel VS United States Champion Sheamus

-Axel wins a coin flip with Ryback, and the fucking commentators can't even follow that without getting confused. Sheamus wins the Curtis Axel Special: technically fine but nothing particularly memorable about it. **

-Ryback jumps Sheamus, and that somehow leads to another match.

-Match 6: Ryback VS United States Champion Sheamus

-They actually have a pretty decent, if short, power match. Sheamus counters Shellshocked and finishes with the Brogue Kick. Nothing wrong with that, but what happened to Sheamus' heel turn? **1/2

-Sheamus VS Cesaro on Main Event. Color me interested!

-Stephanie comes out to passive-aggressively gloat about Bryan's neck surgery. She asks for him to come out, but instead gets Kane dragging what is left of him onto the stage. Cue the pearl clutching and OMG WHY ARE THEY BURYING BRYAN posts and tweets. Doctors, officials, Brie, and Steph just kinda stand around not doing much as Bryan is loaded onto a stretcher.

-Brie tells Steph to stay the fuck away as Bryan is loaded into an ambulance. Well, not in those terms.

-Match 7: Fandango (w/Layla) VS Dolph Ziggler

-I actually really liked this one, even though it was sans heat. It was pretty briskly-paced and well-executed. Layla first distracts Dolph, but then gets caught up in the ring apron, distracting Fandango long enough for Ziggler to pop up and hit the Zig Zag for the pin. ***

-Fandango declares his love for Layla. JBL freaks out at their PDA after talking up their coupling, and actually gets called out for it.

-Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes out to shill Legend's House. This naturally brings out Lana to sick Rusev on Hacksaw. Big E runs out to make the save, perhaps noticing Rusev's penchant for beating up on black guys. Rusev settles for kicking his ass instead.

-Match 8: Damien Sandow VS Cody Rhodes (w/Goldust)

-Sandow threatens to cut his own "pipe bomb" promo, but gets cut off by The Brotherhood. They give it the old college try, but the crowd just DIES the moment the bell rings. That's what happens when jobbers fight. Cody rakes the eyes and finishes with the Disaster Kick. **

-Bray challenges Cena to Round 3 at Payback.
-Match 9: Roman Reigns (w/Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose) VS Batista (w/HHH & Randy Orton)

-This is basically a set up for a fight between the two trios. Just when it looks like it may go bad for Evolution, Stephanie calls in the troops. After a huge attack on The Shield, HHH grabs a chair. Before he can use it, Reigns spears him. Rollins & Ambrose grabs chairs and lay out/chase away the flunkies, then Reigns hits a Superman Punch on Heath Slater, then they plant their old friend Ryback with a Triple Powerbomb. NO RATING Just there for the post-match antics.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: A watchable show with a couple WTF? moments. These three hour shows are way too long without a good Bryan match and/or a Shield 6 man to carry them.

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