Main Event 5/6/14

-Don't feel like doing quasi-PBP anymore, but I wasn't happy with the Raw "paying half attention" review, so I'm going to try a more stream-of-consciousness review for the rest of the week's shows and see how that goes.

-From Buffalo, NY

-Match 1: Dolph Ziggler VS Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Coulter)

-The crew immediately annoy me by completely ignoring the match in favor in talking about Raw. This includes Zeb, who joins the team. If more people actually watched this show, I could see there being a furor over Zeb telling Byron Saxton "You don't look like you're from Virginia" while giving white bread Phillips a pass. Ziggler takes a ridiculously dumb bump, smacking his head on the post, then the steps. Zeb puts all WWE Superstars over as being world-class athletes, which immediately makes him better than anyone on the main shows.

They're actually having a decent little match here. I wonder if Swagger would get over if they went more "creepy Deliverance cast member" with him. Adam Rose interrupts, leading to the most-protected finish in WWE today: the musical distraction. I HATE that finish.

**1/2 This was going good before that shitty finish.

-Ziggler joins the party. I can definitely see a heel turning face by joining the party instead of fighting Rose, taking the offer like when The Godfather used to give one to his opponents.

-I am never, ever, EVER watching Legend's House.

-Match 2: Aksana, Tamina Snuka, & Alicia Fox VS Natalya & The Funkadactyls

-Tamina does NOT look happy with her partners. In a totally-not-worked-for-TV storyline, The Funkadactyls lose Nattie's cat on Total Divas. Good news though, they happened to find it. I'll be honest: I couldn't give a fuck less about this match. Aksana's unreasonably-cocky heeling is aces though. Naomi does...something in the ropes that looks like it's supposed to be a face plant, but Aksana clearly has no idea how to take it, and it just looks shitty. Naomi finishes Aksana with the Rear View and a split-legged moonsault. Nattie decides now it is time to get bitchy about her cat. Who gives a shit?

*1/2 Wasn't bad or anything, I just don't care.

-I still have no idea what this Mr. T Mother's Day video is supposed to accomplish.

-Match 3: Goldust (w/Cody Rhodes) VS Curtis Axel (w/Ryback)

-It really is amazing how different Dustin gets when he puts on the gold paint. Without it (at least after his first run as Goldust) he's awful, but with it, he's tremendous. If only Axel could pair his solidness in the ring with his dad's charisma, he'd be golden. Sadly, that seems to have skipped a generation. Another technically fine match that doesn't really hold my attention. Goldust wins with the Final Cut, and Cody pretends to be happy for him. Yeah, your 40-something brother who was persona-non-grata this time last year is better and infinitely more over than you. YAY! It'll be nice when Cody finally loses to say, Rusev, and turns on Goldust for patting his already-injured back like a clueless doofus.

** I have nothing else to add.

-John Cena makes a rare Main Event appearance. It's still not going to get anyone to watch this show. Cena points out the obvious: that this Bray Wyatt guy you people are turning on me for is kind of a douche. HE LITERALLY ASKS FOR YOU GUYS TO LOOK LIKE SHEEP! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! Well, this promo would have been better had he said that. Cena believes in what is on all of his merch (so buy it now kiddos!): Never Give Up. And...that's it. OK then.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This was a show. Nothing on it was bad, but nothing on it would make you think that this is a must-see every week.