Raw 5/5/14

-Trying a slightly different format, since quasi-PBP gets more than a little tedious.

-From Albany, NY

-Match 1 for the United States Championship: 20 Man Battle Royale

-The match is mostly jobbers and midcarders, plus Big Show & Sheamus.

ELIMINATION ORDER:

1. Xavier Woods
2. Zack Ryder
3. R-Truth
4. Titus O'Neil
5. Sin Cara
6. Damien Sandow
7. Heath Slater (during commercial)
8. Someone else (during commercial)
9. Big Show (by about eight guys)
10. Mark Henry (by the same guys)
11. Kofi Kingston
12. Goldust
13. Cody Rhodes
14. Dolph Ziggler
15. Santino Marella
16.Curtis Axel
17. Ryback
18. Jack Swagger
19. Dean Ambrose

WINNER AND NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION: Sheamus

NO RATING It was your typical battle royale, aside from a lengthy one-on-one segment to end it. I could probably figure out who the 8th elimination was, but I'm feeling lazy. 

-Triple H comes out to gloat about Ambrose' title loss, and he books Shield/Wyatts IV as tonight's main event.

-Rene Young interviews Sheamus, who acknowledges that he's been spinning his wheels since his return. Sheamus brushes off Rene's implication that the title match was unfair.

-Bryan & Mrs. Bryan hang out backstage. Stephanie enters to tell them to stay put in their locker room until Bryan's match tonight, less he get mauled by Kane. Stephanie exits, and Kane's mask is on the door.

-Match 2: RVD VS Antonio Cesaro (w/Paul Heyman)

-RVD has a nasty shiner from last night's match. It's about time someone potatoed him back, although JBL claims it came on the missed frog splash that led to the finish. RVD does his usual, and Heyman is NOT happy about it. The crowd gets tired of this match quick, with a fairly loud "boring" chant breaking out just as Cesaro goes on offense. That's followed by an even louder "CM Punk" chant. He's not coming back guys. Cesaro clotheslines RVD outside, and Heyman is happy as we go to break. Heyman's front-running is tremendous.

The crowd gets into it, chanting for RVD. Cesaro gets RVD caught in the Tree of Woe and refuses to stop pounding on RVD, thus getting himself DQ'd. Heyman has to physically pull Cesaro away from RVD, saying that Cesaro could get himself suspended. Since when? Now Cesaro has done something heelish, which should please Jim Ross.

* RVD & Cesaro just do not have any chemistry whatsoever. The only thing they seem to do in a one-on-one match is run through their signature spots with not much in between.

-The Wyatts are here. Bray tells a story about Sister Abigail telling him that he would be a leader who would change the world, and he always believed her. Bray says that people always viewed him as a "piece of trash" and a "nobody", but that only makes him "becoming somebody" at Extreme Rules that much sweeter. Bray says the children see the truth (including the demonic child from the PPV). Bray admits to being a monster, and wanting to watch the world burn so that it can be rebuilt in his image. Bray says Cena is wrong in saying that Wyatt does what he does only for himself, while Wyatt claims it is for everyone. Wyatt claims that Cena is now alone, and that Wyatt will now be seen for what he truly is: a god. Good promo that provides a clarity and focus to what Wyatt's mission actually is.

-Match 3: Ryback (w/Curtis Axel) VS Cody Rhodes (w/Goldust)

-They give it the old college try, but no one gives a shit, not even the announce team, who spend most of the match talking about Wyatt/Cena. Goldust manages to get the crowd clapping, but that dies when Cody doesn't make an immediate comeback. Cody does make his comeback, and wakes the crowd up with a nice Disaster Kick. Cody goes up top, and as Goldust tries to stop Axel from interfering, Axel rams Goldust into the post, which causes Cody to fall right into Shellshocked for the pin.

*1/2 Slick finish aside, the match was nothing.

-The Bryans actually try to take Stephanie's advice and hang back, but the lights go out in their room, and Kane's mask is sitting on a light now.

-Los Matadores host a Cinco de Mayo celebration. Fernando can't say "Universe" correctly. That has to be a rib on someone. 3MB interrupt, and the FEUD MUST *sigh* CONTINUE. Slater trying to suck up to Los Matadores so they wouldn't attack him was great though.

-Match 4: Kofi Kingston VS Rusev (w/Lana)

-Lana's "oh how droll" reaction to the "USA" chant is awesome. Rusev beats two men, only to lose his first name. Kofi gives Rusev his toughest test yet, and the first decent match of the night. Pretty basic speed vs power psychology, with Rusev finally managing to catch Kofi on a cross-body attempt, hit a fallaway slam, and finish with the spinning slam followed by the camel clutch.

*** So help me, I love the Rusev's whole act. Lana is awesome as nu-Mrs. Drago.

-The Bryans try to get the fuck out of dodge, but Stephanie conveniently pops up to tell them they can't leave until after Daniel's match (and he'll be stripped of the title should he not wrestle), but hey, at least his match is next.

-Match 5: Alberto Del Rio VS WWE World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan

-They have a good match, tempered only by the fact that ADR has zero chance to win, and the crowd seems to be waiting for Kane to show up. They also could have done more to play into "Bryan is distracted by what could happen if/when Kane shows up". Nice finish as Bryan fights off the cross-armbreaker, and turns a tilt-a-whirl flying headscissors into the Yes Lock for the submission.

*** They hit all the right notes to have a really strong match, but there were some things missing. Like heat and suspense.

-Bryan and Brie take off to their car after Kane's music and pyro hit, but he's disconnected something so their car wouldn't start. Ask Cheri Joe Bates how much that sucks. Kane emerges from the back seat and goes for Brie. Bryan forces Kane to the hood of the car and drives off, forcing Kane to fall off and...lay perfectly still. The crowd LOLs at that one. Bryan makes the classic horror movie mistake of not making Kane is roadkill, and naturally Kane sits up, causing our heroes to leave ASAP. Ouch. This segment was a perfect example of why horror movies have scary music playing the whole time, because otherwise (and often still with said music) it just looks goofy as fuck.

-Match 6 for the Intercontinental Championship: Bad News Barrett [c] VS Big E

-The crowd is again on Barrett's side here. Nice spot as they fight on the apron and E goes for a spear, but Barrett moves, and E takes a nasty bump against the post. They recycle some spots from the PPV match. Nice finish as Barrett goes to the eyes to block the Big Ending, and finishes with the Bull Hammer to retain.

**1/4 Didn't like this as much as the PPV match. Still decent enough though.

-A crappy video shits all over an emotional speech from Mr. T about how much he loves his mom. This is somehow supposed to be a "Happy Mother's Day" message. WHAT. THE FUCK. WAS THAT?

-Zeb has a whole list of people that need to be deported. He's interrupted by Adam Rose, and his reaction to Rose's whole act is priceless. Rose gets on Zeb's nerves some more, than easily fights off Swagger before the entourage dances around Zeb. I have some worries about how the gimmick will translate to the big stage, but I think this was a good start, especially with the crowd singing his music after it stopped. The true test will be when he starts having matches though.

-Match 7: The Wyatt Family VS The Shield

-Typical good Shield/Wyatt action. A step below the sheer insanity of the first two matches, but well above the solid but oddly heat-less third match. Rollins flying around (including a standing shooting star, don't think I've seen that since Morrison left) never gets old. I wonder if they'll ever let him bust out the Phoenix Splash. They get a taste of the craziness in, with some neat stuff happening on the outside. Reigns may not be able to pull enough a main event singles match yet, but he's got the "cleaning house after getting the hot tag" deal DOWN. Rollins & Ambrose take Rowan & Harper out with dives, and Cole looks like an idiot yelling how R & H went through the table, when the table didn't budge. Evolution gets involved, somehow not drawing a DQ. OK, in a time when WWE refs are calling for DQs when guys take too long to get out of the ring after making a save in tag matches, how does that NOT draw one? Anyway, the Shield take everyone but Bray out, and he catches Reigns with Sister Abigail to put the Wyatts up 3-1 in the feud.

***1/2 Good stuff again. Not great like the PPV matches, where The Shield and their opponents are allowed to unleash as much insanity as they can muster, but good for a TV main event.

-Evolution complete the beatdown, even allowing Reigns a hope spot when he blocks a Pedigree, before promptly eating an RKO followed by the Pedigree. Evolution finish off the attack with a triple powerbomb on Reigns.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This was like two different shows happening one after another. The first half was pretty damned boring, but then Rusev/Kofi happened, and things picked up, in-ring at least. The Bryan/Kane stuff is typical Kane main event feud cheese. I don't love it, but I can tolerate it, and certainly don't think WWE is trying to "bury" Bryan, as I'm already seeing some people claim. Some people are also pissing on Adam Rose's debut, but fuck them.