Raw 5/12/14

-LAST WEEK: HHH uses his special COO powers to screw with the Shield.

-The Shield start the show. I am so glad Rollins isn't the terrible promo he used to be. Reigns is going to be money when he learns how to work a main event singles match. They challenge Evolution to a rematch at Payback. Evolution do the "show up in a limo after the show has already started" gimmick (at least it's not at the start of hour three). HHH signs in with security (he really should have pulled the "don't you know who we are?" card there), then The Shield fly in off-camera to get some licks in before being pulled away by security.

-Match 1: RVD (*sigh*) VS Jack Swagger

-Zeb bitches about Adam Rose. Rose shows up and distracts Swagger. The "match" lasts two moves. At least it was short. NO RATING

-Paige has a target on her back. With the way she's going through the division, they're going to have to call up some from NXT soon.

-Damn these BOLIEVE vignettes are awesome. I just hope he can live up to them.

-Match 2: Alicia Fox VS Divas Champion Paige

-Alicia tells Paige no one likes her and she should get out. Well that's just not nice. It takes JBL to point out that it's jealousy from the other Divas that they all failed to beat AJ, and she did it her first night in. That should definitely have been one of the babyface commentators' jobs. Fox beats the shit out of Paige, who hits one move, the Paige Turner, for the win. Pretty much what happened when she won the title. **

-Alicia loses her shit, pounding on the announce table, spilling JBL's beer before strutting away in his hat, while whining that she should be the champion. Well that was...something.

-A video recaps last week's Bryan/Kane angle. It's still goofy shit.

-Daniel Bryan comes out to announce that he's going to have neck surgery. He's not sure when he'll be back, but he will be back. Hopefully the "6-8 weeks" prognosis kicking around online is accurate.

-Match 3: John Cena & WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos VS The Wyatt Family

-The Wyatts open with a heat segment on Jey. Jimmy gets the hot tag, and Cole actually says "The Wyatts haven't been able to get out of the blocks here guys". Harper may have the best big boot in the business today. That thing is awesome. Rowan is so screwed when the Family breaks up eventually. He's far behind the other two in terms of ring work and charisma. Cena gets in, cleans house, and applies the WORST STF EVER on Rowan. I'm not a Cena hater (well, not anymore) but that was just terrible. The Usos save Cena from Sister Abigal, and he finishes Rowan with the AA. **1/2 Nothing special, but the crowd was hot for it.

-Evoution comes to the ring. They're going to do horrible things to The Shield, leaving Reigns for last. The Shield attack again and send Evolution running. Batista has has ENOUGH of this shit and challenges Reigns for tonight. It's Batista VS Batista 2.0!

-Match 4: Nikki Bella VS Natalya

-This is based off something that happened on Total Divas that actually happened months ago and is TOTALLY NOT WORKED AT ALL. IT'S ALL 100% REAL AND SHAME ON YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE! The other TD cast members are outside the ring, holding score cards to judge their moves. I couldn't give a fuck less. Nikki wins with a roll-up. Whatever. NO RATING, 'cause fuck this match that's why.

-Match 5: Curtis Axel VS United States Champion Sheamus

-Axel wins a coin flip with Ryback, and the fucking commentators can't even follow that without getting confused. Sheamus wins the Curtis Axel Special: technically fine but nothing particularly memorable about it. **

-Ryback jumps Sheamus, and that somehow leads to another match.

-Match 6: Ryback VS United States Champion Sheamus

-They actually have a pretty decent, if short, power match. Sheamus counters Shellshocked and finishes with the Brogue Kick. Nothing wrong with that, but what happened to Sheamus' heel turn? **1/2

-Sheamus VS Cesaro on Main Event. Color me interested!

-Stephanie comes out to passive-aggressively gloat about Bryan's neck surgery. She asks for him to come out, but instead gets Kane dragging what is left of him onto the stage. Cue the pearl clutching and OMG WHY ARE THEY BURYING BRYAN posts and tweets. Doctors, officials, Brie, and Steph just kinda stand around not doing much as Bryan is loaded onto a stretcher.

-Brie tells Steph to stay the fuck away as Bryan is loaded into an ambulance. Well, not in those terms.

-Match 7: Fandango (w/Layla) VS Dolph Ziggler

-I actually really liked this one, even though it was sans heat. It was pretty briskly-paced and well-executed. Layla first distracts Dolph, but then gets caught up in the ring apron, distracting Fandango long enough for Ziggler to pop up and hit the Zig Zag for the pin. ***

-Fandango declares his love for Layla. JBL freaks out at their PDA after talking up their coupling, and actually gets called out for it.

-Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes out to shill Legend's House. This naturally brings out Lana to sick Rusev on Hacksaw. Big E runs out to make the save, perhaps noticing Rusev's penchant for beating up on black guys. Rusev settles for kicking his ass instead.

-Match 8: Damien Sandow VS Cody Rhodes (w/Goldust)

-Sandow threatens to cut his own "pipe bomb" promo, but gets cut off by The Brotherhood. They give it the old college try, but the crowd just DIES the moment the bell rings. That's what happens when jobbers fight. Cody rakes the eyes and finishes with the Disaster Kick. **

-Bray challenges Cena to Round 3 at Payback.
-Match 9: Roman Reigns (w/Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose) VS Batista (w/HHH & Randy Orton)

-This is basically a set up for a fight between the two trios. Just when it looks like it may go bad for Evolution, Stephanie calls in the troops. After a huge attack on The Shield, HHH grabs a chair. Before he can use it, Reigns spears him. Rollins & Ambrose grabs chairs and lay out/chase away the flunkies, then Reigns hits a Superman Punch on Heath Slater, then they plant their old friend Ryback with a Triple Powerbomb. NO RATING Just there for the post-match antics.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: A watchable show with a couple WTF? moments. These three hour shows are way too long without a good Bryan match and/or a Shield 6 man to carry them.

-